Into the Cabbage Patch

I had a Cabbage Patch Kid when I was young. I know, this sounds strange when you consider that my favorite show when I was six was Inhumanoids, but if you think about it, Cabbage Patch Kids were the same size as the larger Inhumanoids figures, which could make for some interesting crossovers.

Anyway, I had a Cabbage Patch Kid, and her name was Rebecca Ruby. She had brown hair and a yellow dress, and a pair of black patent leatherish looking shoes. I lost one of the shoes at my great-grandmother Schwartz's house, and therefore threw the other one away, because what good is one shoe? Several months afterwards, she sent me the shoe which she had found. The real question is: how did I get a great-grandmother named "Schwartz"? My grandfather's an Unsinn and my grandmother was a Hart. How did Schwartz get in there? Maybe that was her first name.

Aaaaaanyway I had a Cabbage Patch Kid named Rebecca Ruby. My brother had a Cabbage Patch Kid named Guy Headly (really!) which is the best porn name I've ever heard. I also had a Cabbage Patch Kids record which I guess was tied into one of the animated specials - I dunno, I never saw any of the animated specials. Still, I listened to it incessantly, most likely driving my parents insane. I was thinking about it the other day, how I still remember some of the songs. There was one sung by the Cabbage Patch Kids' (hereafter CPK in this article, because I'm tired of typing it out) enemy, Jack Rabbit Jack, the lyrics of which spoke of Jack's wish to eat cabbages.

Wait a minute... cabbages? CPKs come from cabbages! That jack rabbit wanted to eat children! How is that appropriate for a children's toy? Flash forward ten years, to 1995: A CPK doll is recalled because the mechanism that allowed its mouth to move as if the doll were eating tended to cause the doll to eat hair, sometimes tearing at the scalp. Clearly, a pattern is emerging. What kind of sinister plan is at work here?

I decided to take a trip down to CPK headquarters, which a quick search of the internet says is in Cleveland. Excellent! I could hit the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame and stop by the Dittrick Museum of Medical History. Wait... Cleveland, Georgia . Crap. Oh well. I'll get to the bottom of this, even if I have to go down to Georgia to do it.

Dateline: Cleveland, Georgia . I arrive at the CPK headquarters late at night, but thankfully the door is unlocked. The receptionist is a little wary about letting me into the offices until I tell her there's a certain Mint-in-Box transforming robot leader in it for her. What I don't tell her is that it's Leader-One, one of the shittiest of the ultra-shitty Go-Bots, but that confession will come later. Cautiously, I let myself into the offices of the CPK design team...

It's clear that no one has been here for years . A thick layer of dust covers every surface and the hallway has a disturbing musty odor that I can't quite place. Rats scrabble in the walls, a flourescent light fizzles and bursts in a short shower of sparks when I flip the light switch. Whatever went on here, it's not going on now. I hope I can still find some information on the CPK and their weird obsession with cannibalism.

Exhibit A : In a rusty file cabinet, I find the unproduced pilot for the animated CPK show. The title of the episode is "Donner's Party", and the first page, to the best of my memory, goes like this:

INT CASTLE - NIGHT

JASON RENFIELD, a short, chubby Kid, trembles in the ruins of an old scottish castle. Outside, a fierce storm is brewing, and the candles flicker wildly.

Suddenly, LILLITH LEIGH, a dark and wiry Kid, leaps out of the shadows and sinks her teeth into Jason's shoulder. He screams in pain and horror as she tears off a chunk of his flesh and greedily devours it.

EXT CASTLE DRAWBRIDGE - NIGHT Lillith exits the castle and stands in the rain, laughing. Her gown is torn as if in a struggle, and she is covered in blood and gore.

LILLITH

You were strong, Jason, but not so strong as I...

Delicately, she brings a perfect finger to her lips and sensuously licks away the sweet red blood...

At this point, I am sickened and can not read any more. I drop the script and move on through the deserted offices. Most of them hold nothing of value, but in one I find:

Exhibit B: What looks at first to be a normal CPK, sans clothing and nailed spread-eagle to a board. Upon closer inspection, I realize that the torso has a vertical slit running clavicle to pelvis, which is held closed by velcro. Inside are several realistically constructed organs, each labeled with its proper name and a little smiley face. An unproduced doll variation? There is no paperwork accompanying the doll, so it is difficult to tell.

Further searches of the offices prove to be fruitless. I am bothered by one thing, though: in many of the offices are half-eaten lunches, unfinished paperwork, mugs with the sludge of long-evaporated coffee. It looks as if everyone left suddenly, without even a moment to tidy up their desks. Where could they all have gone so quickly? What was so urgent? I am about to give up and go home when I spot something scratched into the wall behind a ragged sofa. Moving the sofa aside, I find:

Exhibit C: In large letters hacked into the very plaster is the chilling message, "GONE INTO THE CABBAGE PATCH". I have no idea what the signifigance of this is, but it chills me to the bone.

Silently, I exit the CPK headquarters and begin the long drive home. A combination of abject terror and a twelve-pack of Red Bull ensures that I am back in my own bed when I finally collapse into nightmares. Since the record came out in 1985 and the cannibal doll was 1995, I suppose we'll have to wait until 2005 until we see the third stage of the CPK's horrible plan. And until then, the phrase on the wall will haunt me day and night.

Gone into the Cabbage Patch...